A Matter of Trust
by Ren-chan aka Matt Patrick
Summary: “I hate you… because I hate the fact that even though you destroyed me, I still can’t stop loving you.” (Yaoi; RamzaxDelita)


Title: A Matter of Trust  
Author: Ren-chan  
E-mail: renchan@chocokitty.net  
Summary: "I hate you… because I hate the fact that even though you destroyed me, I still can't stop loving you."   
Set: In the present, the night just after the group talks with Delita, who leaves Princess Ovelia in their charge.   
Notes: My first Final Fantasy Tactics Fanfiction. Err, hope you enjoy it and leave a review ^_^'.   
  
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Not a sound disturbed the cold night, not even the silent cries of the nocturne animals near the campsite, which only worked to give the atmosphere a more depressing aura. The members of the group were sleeping in their tents, except for the young blonde sitting in front of the fire, knees drawn to his chest, arms wrapped tightly around them as he gazed at the living fire, a thoughtful and nostalgic look on his angelic face. Shivers ran down his spine now and then from the cold, but he paid them no attention, for he was too deep in thought to really notice or care about something so trivial as being cold.   
  
"Delita…" a name, said in a sad whisper, the only word needed to express all the anguish and suffering the young one was feeling.   
  
He still couldn't believe the other was alive. Millions of questions ran thorough his head and he couldn't find a satisfactory answer to them. Why didn't he come back to him? Why didn't he tell him he was alive? Why did he leave him to die inside slowly and agonizingly every day, every hour, every minute…? Always thinking he had lost the person he cared the most for.   
  
It had been hell, thinking Delita was dead. He had denied his family, all that he ever stood for, only because he thought he had lost his soul mate.   
  
Yes, his soul mate.   
  
He had always considered Delita the only one for him, even if his feelings weren't reciprocated. And this only showed the truth more clearly. If Delita had cared for Ramza even half as much as Ramza cared for him, he would have come back.   
  
A sour taste entered his mouth as tears filled his eyes, but he didn't wipe them away. _Let them fall_, he thought, _show the world what an idiot I am_. A pained grimace appeared on his usually cheerful face as he let his eyes lose themselves in the fire in front of him. He would have given anything, would have done anything, if only Delita had given him _one_ kiss. Realizing that now made him feel even more stupid, for he had given his heart and soul to the one person who didn't want it.   
  
He wasn't blind. He could tell there were plenty of people who liked him, who wanted to be with him, but he had ignored them completely to give his everything to the one who had betrayed his trust, his love.   
  
Had he even noticed that Ramza loved him, the bastard? Oh, no, he was too blinded by his distrust for the aristocracy to notice that one of them was in love with him.   
  
"Bastard." The word escaped his lips without a second thought, as his eyes became dull and continued to gaze unmovingly into the flame. His soul had been ripped from his chest that night, innocence and hurt finally disappearing to leave place for the emptiness which settled itself on Ramza's heart with easiness. After all, a broken heart is always the easiest to control.   
  
He didn't hear the soft steps coming closer to where he was sitting, or if he did, he didn't care. After all, why would he want to protect himself? Better to let some wild animal kill him and get this stupid lie some people called life over with already.   
  
"Ramza?" God, that voice. How he hated that voice.   
  
He didn't answer, even as the person came closer.   
  
"What are you doing out here without your sword or anyone else? You could get yourself killed."   
  
A choked laugh escaped his throat at that, a grimace setting itself on his face as he kept his position, not looking at the speaker. "Who says I don't want that?"   
  
The other boy took a sharp intake of breath and sat down next to the blonde, looking at him with concern. "What's the matter with you?"   
  
He answered his question with another. "What are you doing in our campsite? Afraid we can't take care of your little princess correctly?" His voice had a sarcastic edge to it.   
  
The other looked taken back by the bitter tone on the boy who had always been cheerful and polite with everyone, but he lowered his gaze to his lap, a small flush coming to his cheeks. "I actually… came here hoping I could speak with you."   
  
"And to what do I owe this honor?" The sarcastic edge was still there. "No, save it. Let's just get this over with and speak, Hyral."   
  
Delita clenched his fists, a frustrated flush coming to his cheeks as he looked up at the blonde.   
  
"What's the matter with you?"   
  
A bitter laugh was his only answer.   
  
"Ramza--?" a frown came to the handsome face of the brunette, but before he could finish his sentence he was interrupted.   
  
"What happened, my dear Delita, is that tonight I discovered that I left everything I believed, everything I _loved_, for a man that didn't care enough for me to let me know he was alive." His dead eyes turned to the other boy. "That I suffered, and tried to kill myself several times, for a man that wasn't even dead. _That's_ what's the matter with me."   
  
Delita winced visibly at the accusations, but what hurt him the most was that Ramza's eyes, which had always been like open windows to his soul and heart to him, were dead, not revealing even one emotion.   
  
"You have to understand," he tried to explain, his eyes trying desperately to find any sign of emotion in those lifeless eyes. "Your brothers--"   
  
A small, whispered phrase from that unusually quiet mouth prevented him from continuing. "Was I ever like my brothers, Delita?"   
  
The dark-haired boy shook his head, looking down at his lap. "No."   
  
That seemed like the answer the other boy was looking for, for he turned his eyes to the fire again, not saying anything.   
  
The brunette sighed, frustrated, and put a strong hand on Ramza's shoulder, turning him around to look at him. "I never meant to leave you, I just…" He shook his head. "I can't tell you yet."   
  
A scowl came to the younger boy's face as he moved his shoulder away from the warm hand forcefully. "Don't touch me."   
  
That got him mad. "Damn it, Ramza, stop acting like this and try to trust me!"   
  
"Trust you?" The blonde let out a dry laugh. "I trusted you once, and what did I get in return? You abandoned me, left me alone. Before that, you even blamed me for something I could not control, threatened to kill me. _Me_, the one who broke all the rules my brothers had set up for _you_! Who accompanied you even when I got a direct order not to do it." A growl escaped the young knight. "But I didn't stop trusting you, even after all of that. Stupid me even defied my own brothers in your place, for I thought that's what you would want." His dry laugh made Delita wince once again, his heart hurting as he noticed the hurt he had inflicted on the one he cared the most for. "You lost my trust the moment I found out you had been alive all this time, letting me suffer and cry over your memory like a stupid boy in love."   
  
Delita's eyes widened at Ramza's indirect confession of his feelings. "What? Ramza, you--?"   
  
"Yes, I loved you." He shook his head. "Foolishly, and without caring if you didn't love me back. All I wanted was for you to spend time with me. Even a minute, even if it was just as a friend, even if I never got to be in your arms."   
  
Confusion showed on Delita's dark eyes, silently asking a question with his gaze which only Ramza, for knowing him all his life, could understand.   
  
"You want to know my feelings for you now, am I right?" Lifeless eyes once again rose to stare into the dark eyes of the brunette. "I hate you," he said firmly and without doubt.   
  
Delita winced, lowering his gaze, opening his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted by Ramza, who apparently wasn't done.   
  
"I hate you… because I hate the fact that even though you destroyed me, I still can't stop loving you." Suddenly his caramel eyes filled with tears, as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. "I hate you," he said again without strength, a sob shaking his tired body.   
  
Warm arms wrapped themselves around his shaking form, as Delita rested his chin on top of Ramza's head, whispering softly as he rocked the younger boy. "I'm sorry for everything… I just…" he murmured, letting out a tired sigh. "I wish I could explain my reasons to you, but I can't. I just can say," he paused, hesitating before going on, as Ramza waited quietly, his soft sniffs the only sound in the night. "That I love you too, and that I know that maybe I'll never be able to make up for all the time you suffered, yet…" he placed a soft kiss on the blonde's forehead, "I want to try, if you'll let me" he added softly.   
  
Ramza only closed his eyes, nodding almost imperceptibly, as he tried to lose himself in Delita's warm arms, in the warmth he had craved all his life.   
  
A sigh of relief escaped the brown-haired boy as his arms tightened around the smaller frame.   
  
_Tonight, at least, I'll try to make up for it. Tomorrow… you'll just have to trust me again, my Ramza..._


End file.
